


Can't Stay Anymore

by Septimore



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Possessive Spock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-30 21:05:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10172066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septimore/pseuds/Septimore





	

"I can't keep up anymore."  
Confusion. "What do you mean Bones?"  
"I hate space. I've always hated space. You guys think its an act I out on, but I do Jim. I hate it. I'm scared all the time."  
At this Jim's face falls, and Spock loses the sparkle in his eye that only comes with true pain. Its probably the worst sight I've seen in my life.  
"I can't keep up Jim. You and Spock, the both of you love it out here. Don't try to deny it Spock, I watch how you jump at the chance at an away mission same as Jim. I'm not that way. I'm not like you two. All I see out here is death. Sometimes its kind and quick, sometimes its slow and painful. But it always comes. And I have to look the poor folks in the eyes and tell them that I couldn't save them. That I wasn't good enough. I'm used to that, I'm a doctor. But I'm not used to having to do it so often. Space has bested me again, and another red shirt died. Or maybe this time it was gold. Or maybe blue. It doesn't matter because they're- they were people. With goals, and likes, and other people that care about them.  
And I love them. Not because of who they are, but because of who they might be. I love them and I can't save them. I'm not- I'm not strong enough to save them."  
"Leonard-" Spock started.  
"No," I interupred. "No, Spock. Don't give me the 'you can't save everyone' speech. Or the 'statistically unlikely they would have survived' speech. I know I can't save everyone. And maybe they might have died whether or not I was a better doctor. It doesnt change anything. They're still dead and their families are still grieving."  
Jim asked, "What are you trying to say, Bones? Why bring all this up now?"  
"I'm tired, Jimmy. I'm tired of pretending I don't hurt, that I'm not afraid. I don't wanna drink until I forget anymore."  
Silence befell the three of us. My weary admission has finally left those two speechless.  
After a few seconds I continued, "I wrote out my resignation today. I just need the ship's captain and first officer to sign it."  
"No." Spock stated.  
"...What?"  
"No, Leonard. To sign this will terminate the relationship the three of us have and I will not have it. You are mine, and Jim is mine, and I will not let either two of you go."  
Jim looked startled and said, "Spock, don't you think th-"  
"Cease talking James."  
Jim's mouth snapped shut at the use of his first name.  
Spock continued, "You and Leonard are mine. That us all there is to it."  
"Spock," I softly said, "Just because I wanna leave doesn't mean were gonna break up. Long distance relationship work for some people."  
"Not when there are three people involved, I'm sure you're aware that complicates things. Added to the fact that we all work long hours and that I am Vulcan, therefore have a different perspective of things than the two of you, makes it nearly impossible for us to maintain a relationship. I will not risk losing you."  
Spock stepped in close and growled, "I will not lose either of my mates. You are mine if I have to chain you together and drag you everywhere I go."  
That was....unexpectedly arousing.  
No, Leonard. Get a hold of yourself.  
"That doesn't stop the hurt."  
Spock froze at my admission.  
It was Jim who spoke next. "Then we'll go with you."  
Spock and I both turned toward him.  
"Haven't you been listening, Jim?" I asked. "You two belong here, I don't. You can't leave like I can't stay."  
Not even a pause before Spock spoke, "That is the most ignorant thing I have heard you say. You belong with us, and we belong with you. Everything else is trivial."  
I can't do it. They would die without the adventure, living as shells of their former selves.  
"......I'll stay." I conceited, "I'll stay, because you have to. I'll stay because I love you."  
And with those words relief washed through the room, though the tension stayed.  
"What do you need right now?" Jim asked. "How can we help you see that space can be good to you? What will make you see that you're enough to be here?"  
"I just-" What was it? What can make me okay with the fear I have? Nothing can. There's no pill for terror. I just want to pretend for a while that I'm not afraid. "I just...need a hug. A long hug."  
With those words we ended up in a cuddle pile until we fell asleep. When I woke up I felt like it was easier to move. Like I wasn't emotionally stiff anymore. Its not a lot, barely enough to notice. But its a start.


End file.
